A handy list to accompany my recent audio blog about getting round to what matters, joyfully – beyond simple productivity. The idea is you ask yourself these, to help you decide what really matters.
I use variations of these when I think/feel/sense my way through my week ahead, figuring out what needs to be done, and where to focus my dwindling energy/f*cks.
What do I really care about?
Where am I needed, right now?
How do others fit into all this?
Where am I in the midst of cycles or repeating patterns?
Where’s the fun, joy, play?
What feels right?
How have I checked in with my head, heart and body about this?
What’s on my mind? Where’s my mood today?
What scope is there here for getting things wrong?
What’s expected of me? What do I expect of myself?
How do I feel about doing this, over this?
Where’s the self-care in all this?
What’s the story I’m telling myself?
What would shift my mood/state, right here and now?
What am I saying “no” to, if I say “yes” to this?
What does “letting go” mean?
What will not get done, regardless?
What’s the least I can do, to make the biggest difference?
Feeling ‘meh’ about work? Plateauing in mid-life? Something’s missing or not quite right in your career or small business…
Please help with my MARKET RESEARCH
In exchange for talking/ranting about your present experience, I’ll gift you thirty minutes free coaching on an issue of your choice (an empathetic ear and helpful, provocative questions).
It’s completely confidential: I’m a qualified life coach bound by a professional code of practice. Also, I can relate…
I ask because I’m deepening my understanding what you’re up against, how life is, and the nature of career and life change. This will help me craft useful support and offerings for people like us.
Please message me privately if you’re curious. I’ll reply with time slots for a confidential, online conversation between you and I.
Not for you? Please share – this could really help someone in your network.
Here’s a guide for newcomers to coaching with me. Let’s assume you’ve attempted these provocations, and that led to us scheduling a proper coaching session together.
What happens?
Coaching is a particular kind of conversation or interaction between two people. The main difference is there’s more context or intention to it – we’ll get clearer about the what, how and why of it all. It’s more focused, deliberate and often more powerful for effecting change because of it.
If you’re open to it, we can go deeper than usual – with curiosity, compassion, and challenge – whatever works for you.
You’ll notice I mainly ask questions, ones that follow on from whatever you present. I reflect back a lot too. Everything is underpinned by proven models and techniques I’ve learned as a qualified coach.
Basically, you’re in safe hands, in a safe place.
With this being your first session, we might ask: What do you need? And how might coaching work for you and your situation?
No one’s getting assessed or marked. And there’s no such thing as a right or wrong answer. Everything’s upfront and transparent – I want you to fully experience what coaching is like with me, and how that lands with you.
For now, we’re exploring whether there’s chemistry, and a ‘good fit’ for both of us. How might we create something together?
Who decides what we talk about?
The content is all about what’s alive for you. You’re the hero. I facilitate or guide the session, in service of what you bring.
With your permission, I’ll gently lead you towards what you say is important, or what seems to be emerging as important. To that end, I’ll occasionally use my coaching radar to sense what’s going unsaid or unquestioned.
Topic-wise, we might explore a particular problem, your thoughts and feelings, consider different options, or build new systems or behaviours through experiments. You might decide what action you want to take, what’s in the way, and what support you need through that.
Coaching often means committing to do meaningful stuff outside of sessions, then reflecting on and learning from how it went (or didn’t).
If this initial coaching session works for us both, we can talk about what extra support you’d like, when and how – that could be a coaching programme, something one-off, or entirely new all together; designed by us.
What does coaching feel like?
Clients come away from sessions feeling inspired, moved, playful, gentle, reflective and curious.
Coaching makes what’s difficult more do-able. And leads to breakthroughs on fronts you’ve battled with, perhaps alone, for years. Some you might not even be aware of yet.
Coaching turns ideas into real-life, grubby-fingered projects, decisions and change. Always on your terms.
It’s not about mind-tricks or quick-fixes. I think you’ve already got what it takes to get where you want to be. And it’s my job to help you recapture that, by surprising yourself and tapping into your natural brilliance.
What else might happen?
If appropriate, we’ll get out of our heads. That means movement or physical interaction (with your consent). I’m a certified embodiment and physical intelligence coach, with a few of tricks to help you feel freer, more creative, more vital, stronger and less affected by stress.
We can work with your inner state and ‘how’ you are in the world – revealing patterns of behaviour, and how your body is influenced by (and can influence) the world around you.
Coaching isn’t all talking. Emotion, intuition, our bodies and sensory experience all have their place. I might offer a curious activity or experiment in the heat of the moment, to shift perspectives or loosen things up.
I’ll always seek your permission, and frequently check-in with how a session is going for you. We can always adjust in-flight.
How does this compare to counselling or therapy?
There are similarities. Coaching is rooted in the same time-tested psychotherapeutic and philosophical traditions, so a counsellor or therapist might recognise the techniques I use.
That said, coaching focuses more on your future, rather than your past. We’re less fixated on re-telling old stories, more your relationship with them. As well as your capacity for agency, awareness and choice.
For your peace of mind: I’m trained to respect ethical boundaries, like whether coaching is or isn’t an appropriate, safe intervention.
I’m accredited and insured too, so again – you’re in safe hands.
What advice will you get?
I believe you have a natural capacity for learning, growth and creativity to overcome challenges. So as a coach, I’ll always encourage you to trust yourself as an advisor first.
That said, I will occasionally offer my experience and opinions if you’re open to them.
If it’s lasting results you want, all decisions and actions must be yours (rather than mine). I don’t have any ‘right’ answers, but I can coach you into discovering your own.
How can you prepare?
Deciding to go ahead, and dedicate yourself to coaching is enough. That’s an enormous act of bravery and self-respect – so well done already!
To get even more out of your coaching session there are a few practical steps you might like to take:
Find somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed or interrupted (sessions usually last two hours).
Connect to a reliable internet connection; a decent mic and headphones will help.
Afterwards, solitude might help – like a quiet walk or a mindless task while things percolate mentally.
If you really want to prepare, consider what’s alive for you – what’s going on, any recent challenges or experiences that impacted you (though I will often begin with a question like this anyway). Your notes or other prompts for discussion are welcome.
If you only remember one thing: I invite you to stay open and playful, ready to surprise yourself. This simple outlook helps my kind of people get the most out of a coaching session.
Now here’s a curious feeling. I’ve heard it described like this:
“Something’s not quite right, I’m not sure what – it’s hard to place. It’s like I’m not in control. Things have kind of plateaued. Life’s OK. I’m just not ‘happy’ with the way things are and the direction life’s heading.”
The word that comes to mind is restless
You could very well be driven and independent, comfortable in your own lane, career or business. Maybe you’re quietly confident in your abilities too.
Yet there’s a lingering, yearning, underlying desire for difference or change.
Perhaps that in itself irks you?
If life’s OK, why moan? That’d be ungrateful. So perhaps we’re up against shame here too.
I feel you.
And I’ve dwelled thereabouts several times, amidst life’s natural junctures.
So here’s my attempt at exploring what might really be going on, with three possible underlying causes of restlessness.
You’re coming of age
Something symbolic (genetic?) happens when we move between significant epochs in our life. I’m talking age 30/40/50.
It’s not like you turn middle-age one day and everything goes to shit all at once (well it kind of does physically – stuff drops).
It’s more like gradual awakening(s).
Chemistry plays tricks on us. Likewise with social cues. Our priorities change as we wrestle with time’s inexorable march, and let go of/cling on to ambitions.
My 30s shift began at age 28 and lingered until 32-ish. I soon left the barren grey plains of corporate 9-to-5, via breakdown, for freelance freedom. The 40s shift was similar, albeit deeper, starting earlier, say 37 when I felt disillusioned, went mad in a basement, then reemerged as the coach I am now.
What I think I’m saying is it’s all perfectly natural.
Yet coming of age can sneak up and ambush you, especially if you’re not aware of what’s going on, in that wondrous fleshy machine of yours.
So I suppose the question is: what significant periods of life are you moving between? Where might priorities be shifting? How is it happening: to you or by you?
That reminds me to treat myself like a ‘meat pet’
We inhabit these fallible, credulous, fragile sacks of meat (our bodies). And we’re only cognisant of the thin foam brothing atop our murky subconscious beneath.
You’re complex.
In layman’s terms, I wonder how essential it is to give ourselves time and space to work things through, to bring our frail meat-sacks along gently and respectfully. Because it increasingly feels like my body has a mind all of its own…
I’m still working on that anyway. How about you?
You’re plateauing
To borrow more paraphrasing from my coaching clients:
“It’s as if I’ve played by the rules, done what’s expected of me and it’s got me this far, which I’m sort of grateful for. But it’s like the old ways aren’t working very well any more. It doesn’t feel like I’m ‘getting on’ like I wish I was.”
The word ‘expectations’ jumps out here
Few of us are aware of, let alone escape, the expectations we absorb from people around us. We’re talking norms, values, prejudices and pressures – about success and how to live our lives. Aka work, debt, breed, die.
Then there’s comparison with others: dirty yet inevitable. We measure where others are up to. We crave better for ourselves and our loved ones. Then give ourselves a hard time for falling short.
So if I may, I invite you to ponder these questions: what does ‘getting on’ really mean? What rules or expectations have you absorbed unquestioningly, and which would you rewrite if you could?
Undoubtable hell
Tenuous perhaps, but I’m reminded of Gyles Brandreth’s reflections on WW2, and how some reminisce fondly upon it as a golden era for the UK, despite folk having bombs literally dropped on their heads (by nazis).
He argues that while life was undoubtedly hell, people felt challenged and (if fortunate enough) alive. They had purpose and intention in life, and their capacity for adapting and prevailing was constantly tested.
I wouldn’t advocate moving to the embattled Ukraine anytime soon. Or nazi bomb parties. But I do ask what other, healthier (and sane) ways are there for you to feel challenged, alive and purposeful?
On your terms, as opposed to anyone else’s, of course.
You’re not in control
As a teen with exams to pass, I convinced myself I had to touch surfaces with all 10 fingers or my family would die.
Dark.
I now realise this was probably OCD – a very natural quirk of the human mind as it desperately attempts to manage uncertainty, and our unknowable future.
You needn’t list OCD as a nocturnal hobby to identify with poor, spotty 90s Chris. Could your present restlessness, lingering sense of dissatisfaction, frustration even at times, quite possibly be a similar reaction to control or lack of it?
Buddhists reckon attachment, and wanting things to be any other way than how they are is the root of all human suffering. At some level, maybe you’re suffering like this in your own way. You’re not out of control, yet perhaps you crave a better grip on where life’s going?
Which is relatable.
We all expect some level of control in our lives, and we often believe that more is better – the antidote to uncertainty.
A different (philosophical?) look at this
What do ‘agency’ and ‘influence’ mean to you?
I take agency to be the power to take action in life. And taking action affords us influence on its course.
So I’m curious: how would life be different if you explored agency and influence (rather than control)? What would it take to notice yourself (especially in predicaments like the one you’re in now) and make new or different choices when it comes to action?
There’s also something in here about being smart enough to accept life doesn’t always go your way. I believe that about you. Do you?
I hope you’re still with me here…
So should there be any truth in my philosophical whimsy… is control really what’s going on here? Or is there something about adapting and coping in tricky situations, with greater awareness and choice?
Because I strongly suspect you’re also BRILLIANT at all that too. You already reached this ripe age, didn’t you?
Maybe it’s case of where we focus our dwindling attention…
What do you really want? By that I mean your secret plan, the one not getting the attention it deserves. Tell me: what’s the big adventure, project or idea you’ve got on the back burner?
In my humble experience a) everyone has at least one and b) it often links many reasons why you feel restless.
And if you did make ‘that thing’ more of a priority, how far would it go towards unlocking what’s missing or not quite right in life?
Would you enjoy being poked?
If any of this landed, you might like my daily challenge to help folk like us play with intuition, and trust ourselves to cope, adapt and thrive in the moment.
Its working title is Micro Pokes, and it’s presently a work-in-progress. You can find out more and get invited when it’s ready here.
Here’s an intriguing technique if you’d like extra insight on what to do, what you really want, or how you really feel about things.
It’s called focusing. And it’s kind of like meditation for people who principally think their way through life, rather than feel or intuit.
Perhaps most of us fall into that first group. It’s the way we’re taught to deal with problems at school. To think with our heads. To act like serious, logical professionals and grown-ups. Rather than weak, irrational and impulsive chancers.
Yet in neglecting the heart, gut or body, what if we’re losing out on valuable sensory information – intelligence, outside of our heads?
Theoretically
According to psychologist and philosopher Eugene Gendlin, there’s experience and wisdom in our bodies that can emerge as sensations and feelings, if you listen for it.
Ever got a funny feeling about being somewhere (or something or someone) that you just can’t place? When you think about a big upcoming event, do you feel butterflies in your stomach, or restless – like you want to run?
Here’s a story for you
25 years ago, I learned to drive. I used to get out of the car sweating, cramped up and stressed out. Now, whenever something is troubling me, those same muscles in my back and hips (psoas) tighten. I take that as a signal something needs attention, or I’m neglecting something.
Focusing is listening for signals like that.
It helps us sense what’s going on inside. And we do it by giving ourselves space to scan and tune into signals we might otherwise have missed or ignored in the body.
If you only remember one thing…
It helps to not analyse or overthink this. But that’s (hopefully) one reason that led you here. To try something new and different, to escape old habits of staying in the head.
So the tip is to just sit with things as they are, like an open-minded experiment, and be curious about whatever sensations emerge in your body.
It’s OK if it takes a while. Be silent if you need to. Take your time. Feel what’s going on in your body, instead of your head. You’re naturally curious anyway – you’re human. So there’s very little effort required here. Just feel the feelz..
A focusing routine for you to play with
I’ve tried to write the steps or script below as if I’m there with you. Support from a fellow human is always nice, and seems to make focusing a whole lot more enjoyable and meaningful. But I’m probably somewhere else now, getting all tangled up in my head. Or hip.
So you’ll have to make do with my endearing style of writing about it.
Try focusing for 5 minutes if you’re new to this practice, experimenting alone. I usually do about 15-20 minutes when I’m working with someone in a guided session, reflecting back what comes up – it’s just nicer and more supportive. If you’d like to try that, drop me a line.
One last thing…
Like with meditation, it takes a while to get used to all this sitting still and being completely present, in-the-moment. Give up if you need to fart or run away from the demons.
Here’s one way to practice focusing
Are you comfortable? Sit, stand or lie somewhere safe, ideally where you won’t be disturbed. Set a timer if you like – one without a blaring klaxon.
Breathe in. Imagine drawing air from all around you, from your hands and feet, into the shoulders and hips, and towards the centre of your body. Then breathing out, imagine the air moving back out from the centre of your body, to the shoulders and hips, then out of the hands and feet again. Do this a couple of times, finishing at the centre of your body, then breathe normally. Feel yourself relaxing or settling into where you are. Now close your eyes if you want to.
Clear a space: ask yourself how’s life going? What’s the main thing for me right now? No doubt you’ve got lots of different concerns on your mind. So the invitation is to give the mind a break by just seeing how you feel overall about these concerns. It’s kind of like zooming out on a family photo – the overall feeling you get from it, rather than zooming in on a pesky individual relative, or what a car crash that wedding was the day it was shot. Spend a little while being there with all your problems, questions, issues and challenges (I’ll call these ‘concerns’ from now on) and how they make you feel.
What would you like to focus on? Amongst everything that comes up, choose a single, pressing concern. Stay zoomed out, feel what that single thing is all about – the whole thing. Unclear is normal. Feelings are fuzzy, after all.
What are the qualities of that feeling?: Sit with how you feel about that concern. See what it’s like in your body, how do you react. Scan for sensations like warmth, relaxation, pain, urges to move.
What word/image/phrase pops up? For example: tight, heavy, stuck? Or a hanky on the breeze, a cat in a tree? Or “run, run like hell,” or a line from a song. Anything goes. Random stuff like this pops up all the time, when you think about it.
See how it fits: now go back and forth between the felt-sense of your chosen concern and the word/phrase/image. Does it feel appropriate? Does anything change while you compare them? Spend a while doing that.
Ask what makes this problem feel so [whatever your word/image/phrase was]? Notice what happens in the body, any new sensations (like a twitch, ache, tingle). If it does (optional), check the new sensation against the word/image/phrase and see how one affects the other. This happens the more we tune into the body and get used to this weird focusing thing.
Welcome: whatever happens, the invitation is to just welcome it. Whether it’s unclear or unresolved, pleasant or nasty, or even if that whole experience left you a bit bemused – just be welcoming. Thank yourself for taking time to try something new, and giving yourself some space.
Come back to life. Open your eyes. Stretch, breathe, move. Return to thankless chaos.
How did that go? What did you find?
I was a bit dubious when I first began. It all feels a bit pseudo-scientific. Like we should be balancing our chakras with spirit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just don’t usually operate in that realm.
Perhaps that’s why thinkers like us are drawn to it though?
At first not much seems to happen with focusing. That’s OK. Give it time. This is practice after all. It gets deeper as you get acquainted with your bits and pieces again.
Why keep up with focusing?
I don’t know about you, but looking back on life so far, whenever I made up my mind about something, I realise much of that started in my belly. I had a bodily, gut feeling; a sense-like intuition.
And you know what, when I acted on that, good stuff usually followed.
It was only after the gut-feeling signal that my head rationalised it. It’s like I had to think it through and justify the felt-sense before I acted.
Where do you get feelings like that? In the chest? Heart? Brain? Ass?
Given that example, I suppose I’m curious to cut out the middleman. And see if I can get clearer insight from my body too, as well as my head, and hopefully my cold, dead heart one day.
Maybe it’s worth persevering because what we’re really onto here is an extra, untapped tool (the body). And it has something useful to lend to all those decisions and actions you take everyday. Chances are you already do this, at some level, and focusing simply raises your awareness a bit.
Just in case you think I’ve totally lost it, here’s some edgy research that says we’d all do well to listen to our bodies as much as we listen to our heads.
I’ve been shamelessly appropriating some games for folk like us. Little prompts to help us come up for air, from the day-to-day mire.
So here are some provocations to get us out of our heads (and way)
I hope they shake-up old habits. And get you thinking, or feeling – as the case may be.
The invitation here is to give these games the benefit of the doubt. It’s OK to prejudge expectations of what might happen, but be ready to surprise yourself…
How about some curious fun then?
Let me know how you found these.
Credit to some dusty little coaching books bought sustainably from World of Books.
1. Try being brutally honest
The invitation is to wear your heart on your sleeve, when someone asks you a question one-to-one, or when there’s an opportunity to speak-up in a group. Jump in, respectfully, then tell it like it is, for you.
This is more than just saying what’s on your mind. It’s about being forthcoming with what you really think or feel, in the moment.
Yep, it might be unsettling. Disruption is progress though, of sorts.
Sometimes there’s a temptation to shape what we want to say, to fit the situation, either de-emphasising the positive or negative. So try being candid instead. Imperfect and clumsy as it is.
Notice reactions in the short-term (yak!), but also see if anything changes long-term (oooh!).
Remember that honesty isn’t the same as being obtuse and contrary, Chris.
2. Try humility
Hang out with people who have different standards, or different definitions of success than you. No judgement here. Just set yourself the task of figuring out what’s special or unique about them, besides what they accomplish. Get curious about what constitutes enough/perfect/complete, or other subjective standards.
If you’re feeling fruity, maybe hunt for evidence that humans are awesome regardless of what we do, make or achieve.
I played this game at length with my wife when we tiled the bathroom floor. Miraculously, we are still together.
3. Try shifting focus
Next time you’re in conversation with someone, see how deftly you can flip who’s the focus of the dialogue.
If you tend to get excitable and talk about your own agenda, refocus on the other person and ask questions with genuine warmth and curiosity about their world.
If you often come away from conversations feeling unheard or unsure, try the opposite. Like 1, above, offering vulnerability and honesty about your world usually brings people closer.
If you’re somewhere between these, sack this one off. You’re already capable of holding a functional human conversation. Ignore me.
I’m well aware it can feel dirty when the spotlight is on you in a conversation. I track the ratio of conversational balance obsessively. One trick is to assume the other person is genuinely concerned or interested, and that gifting your story is an act of kindness.
4. Try telling ALL
This one might feel excruciating.
Next time you’re recounting an event or telling a story, make it as much about how you felt, as the events you describe. Label the emotions.
So, for example, each time you make a statement of fact (e.g. “I checked everything off my to-do-list”) append a reflection on your feelings (“Yet I still feel hollow and dead inside.”).
5. Try deepening when upset (or happy)
When you feel moved, be curious about what’s behind your reaction. If someone frustrates you, what’s the situation teaching you about yourself? If you’re excited, how would life be different if you gave yourself more of this?
The object here is to tune into that inner world we all have, and wonder whether it tells us anything. Feelings and sensations in the body can be signals; think of it like extra information to help you take better decisions and actions.
Focusing (a kind of meditative practice) can really help with deepening your feelings. The method suggests we consider a problem or concern, then feel our way through the sensations that surround it. With practice, words and images can randomly come to mind, and deeper feelings that tell us something about what really matters, or how to tackle the problem. It’s basically asking yourself what you really need, then feeling your way through to an answer.
6. Try something for something’s sake
A creative hobby that’s enjoyable in and of itself (regardless of the outcome) isn’t just a splendid way to while away the hours. It reminds you that there’s joy in the doing, as much as in the finishing.
So the challenge is to do something and to hell with the consequences. Do it for fun. It’s kind of related to number 2, but on your own.
If you’re lucky enough to already have an outlet that creates stuff that’s ‘good enough’ – congratulations. You have ready-made spiritual medicine in your cabinet.
For 6, I like to make strange sonic soundscapes on my electric guitar in the eves of a darkened room. Odd, stereotype of a lonely middle-aged man that I am.
7. Try staring at strangers
OK, maybe don’t stare. But go somewhere public and just people watch. Try to guess what’s on their mind and what they’re feeling, based on clues like their outward expressions, voice and gestures.
If you’re feeling fruity (again), play with empathy. See if you can sense what it’s like to live like that, to feel their feelz. For bonus points, if you’re zesty a f, what would happen if you approached them?
I’m keen to say be mindful of judgement again. But it’s a real temptation to switch off from your own shit life and live out someone else’s as a kind of escapism. We’ve all done it.
Did you enjoy playing today?
Tell me. I’m GENUINELY interested. And thankful you read this.
